Where's Paddy?

[xanadu]

This forum definitely needs a bit of an injection of Irish blarney.........
So where is our favourite funster, Paddy,..
Let us have some of your unique humour to loosen things up a bit....
All forum contributors are waiting to hear from you.

Cheers.

[kenchar]

I agree wheres Paddy I miss his humour

[shy]

No Paddy I know, but here goes...

A middle aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 kmph,and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 kmph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

[kenchar]

Good one shy

[tragic]

whife comes home 3 in the morning wearing mink coat husband asks wear did you get that .wife says i won it in a raffle .husband notices diamond ring, asks were did you get that ,wife replies iwon it in a raffle will you please stop annoying me and run me a bath husband does as she asks she goes into bathroom theh calls her husband you fool she says there is only an inch of water in the bath explain why .husband says my dear i dont want you to get your raffle ticket wet

[Paddy]

Hiya xanadu & kenchar :wink:
Yeh have been missing for a while my boyos - been out in the spelling paddock getting ready for the big spring carnivals :cool:

Actually thought most forum folk had perhaps grown tired my humour :grin:

Funny jokes shy & tragic :lol:

For those forum folk who like to partake of the black stuff, here is a little something for you -

Guinness Users' Troubleshooting Guide:

SYMPTOM: Drink fails to give satisfaction and taste. Shirt front is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open while drinking OR glass being applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Buy another pint and practice in front of mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until your drinking technique is perfect.

SYMPTOM: Drinking gives no satisfaction and taste. Glass is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass is empty.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

SYMPTON: Feet wet and cold.
FAULT: Glass is empty.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Turn glass the other way up, so that the open end is pointing at the ceiling.

SYMPTON: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Incorrect bladder control.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Go and stand next to nearest dog, after a while, complain to dog's owner about the lack of house training. Demand a pint as compensation.

SYMPTON: Bar blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

SYMPTON: Bar Swaying.
FAULT: Air turbulence is unusually high. May be due to darts match.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTON: Bar Moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Find out if you are being taken to another pub; if you're not, complain loudly that you're being hijacked by the Salvation army.


SYMPTON: You notice the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and strip lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backwards.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put.

SYMPTON: Everything has gone dim, and you have a mouthful of broken teeth and other bits & pieces.
FAULT: You have fallen over forwards.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Same as for falling backwards.

SYMPTON: Everthing has gone dark.
FAULT: The bar is closing.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: PANIC !!!!!!!!!!!!!! :eek:


SYMPTON: You wake up to find your bed cold hard and wet. You can't see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not then treat yourself to a lie-in.

[Every Topic]

here's a little something for those of us who are no longer spring chickens :smile:

Getting OLD
"OLD" IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love"
and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens
the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as
you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of
by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take
any fibre today.

"OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking
lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

see ya
Every Topic

[Sandgroper]

They say laughter is the best medicine, so thanks heaps for a good dose :lol:

And welcome back Paddy :smile:

_________________
All the best from the West

Sandgroper :smile:

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Sandgroper on 2003-09-04 11:18 ]</font>

[BettyBoop]

Yep, good to see you back Paddy. :smile:

[Paddy]

Hey Forum Folk, have you noticed that we have posted some 9923 posts in the Pro-Punter Horse Racing forum. What do you think will happen when our posts reach 10000?? Will the meter roll over correctly or will it show 0000 :???:

[Paddy]

OOPS!!! :grin:

_________________
May the luck of the Irish be with you!



<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Paddy on 2003-09-05 18:08 ]</font>

[Paddy]

22 posts to go and counting down :roll:

[Paddy]

9 posts to go and counting down :roll:

[Sandgroper]

6 to go Paddy, I'm tipping we will go back to zero and start again :grin:

_________________
All the best from the West

Sandgroper :smile:

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Sandgroper on 2003-09-07 20:44 ]</font>

[tragic]

i reckon data from all computers around the world will be wiped out,lifts will stop between floors and jets will not be able to land, utter chaos, i'm staying home

[BettyBoop]

EEK!!!! :eek: Y2K all over again!!! I'm out of here!!!!!

[Paddy]

1 to go tragic, do you want to do the honours :wink:

[tragic]

as emporer hirohito said in 45 'WHAT THE F=*<# WAS THAT'

[Paddy]

Well done tragic, I didn't feel a thing :smile:

WRONG Perth Placegetter!!!!! Na, na, na, na, na :grin:

[xanadu]

Thank goodness for Paddy!

Without his unique brand of humour this world(and this forum) would indeed be a rather sombre place.
I started this thread because I felt that some contributors were becoming just a bit too serious.
A case in point is outlined in another thread in the other forum, (Betting Systems).
To comprehend some people's outlook we must have an appreciation of the Australian laconic brand of humour. Visitors from overseas and some locals for that matter, cannot comprehend the good-natured banter behind seemingly innocuous statements. They get themselves in a real "tizzy" and should really loosen up.
Unlike the Irish our Aussie laconic brand of humour is somewhat a bit less refined and "raw." Still, a fairly humourless individual would have to take offence to a comment like: "mate, you've got a head like a beaten favourite." Or similar "put-downs" for that matter. I think that certain people need an intravenous drip of Guiness to help them lighten up(I exclude "becareful" from this category as he has displayed an appreciation of the laconic aussie character).
Anyway, keep the blarney coming Paddy and top of the day to you!

Cheers.

[Mark]

number 3

[Mark]

"The bane of those that succeed is the constant niggling of the perennial loser"

Oscar Wilde.

:lol:

[Paddy]

Paddy walks into the bar, up to the bartender and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks".

The bartender says, "That's fine, are you sure you have enough money, I'll need to see some money first".

Paddy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?", asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler", replies Paddy.

The bartender says, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?".

"Well, I only bet on sure things" says Paddy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye."

The bartender thought about it. "OK". So, Paddy pulls out his false right eye and bites it.

"Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender, and pays Paddy $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye" says Paddy.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet".

So, Paddy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again".

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best whiskey in leiu of the $50", says Paddy.

With that, Paddy goes into the back room and spends the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals.

After many hours of drinking and card playing, Paddy stumbles up to the bar.



Paddy, drunk as a skunk, says, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and pee into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop".



The bartender once again pondered the bet. Paddy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on".


Paddy climbs up on the bar, stands on one leg, and begins peeing all over the place.

Paddy hits the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.



The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!".



Paddy climbs down off the bar and says, "That's OK. :grin:

I just bet each of the guys in the card room $1000 each that I could pee all over you AND the bar and still make you laugh!"

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[kenchar]

Right on paddy luv it

Cheers

[Chrome Prince]

Paddy,

You obviously watch the same action movies as me.

:wink:

[Paddy]

Murphy is working in a sawmill when he accidentally saws his ear off.

It falls on the ground amongst all the sawdust.

His workmates frantically start looking for the ear so they can rush Murphy off to hospital to have the ear sewn back on.

Suddenly O'Shaunessy yells out,

"I've found it, I've found it, I've found you ear Murphy! :smile:


Murphy takes a good hard look at the ear and says,


"Na, that's not my ear - mine had a pencil behind it :roll:


:lol: :lol:

[kenchar]

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

[BettyBoop]

Funnee Paddy :lol:

[kenchar]

A drunken ambulance
Mick Flaherty had supped more Guinness than enough and had stumbled out of Quinn's bar and into the Sunday afternoon air.

As his drunken eyes squinted to adjust to the light, an ambulance went by at great speed. Blue lights flashing and siren blaring, it roared up the street with Mick in full flight running after it.

A hundred yards, 200, 300, almost a quarter of a mile he tracked it until suddenly, lungs and legs giving out, he fell into the gutter.

Then with his very last ounce of breath he roared: 'You can keep your damned ice cream!'

Cheers

[kenchar]

Expensive birthday treat
As a birthday treat Pat had taken his fiancee out for a meal at a very smart restaurant. The menu looked rather too expensive for Pat's pocket so he gradually whittled down the lady's choice to chicken and salad.

'That'll be £38 sir,' smiled the waiter.

'Thirty-eight pounds,' said Pat. 'Sure we've only had chicken and salad.'

'Yes, sir,' explained the waiter, 'but you've had chicken breasts. There's only one breast on a bird so we've had to kill two birds to serve you.'

Mumbling to himself Pat reluctantly paid the money just as his lady friend said:

'Why don't we have a cocktail? I fancy a horse's neck.'

'Well,' said Pat. I'll have the legs. They're not killing two horses!'

[Paddy]

Not overly funny, but should at least put a smile on your dial :smile:

Mick appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and towards the end of the programme had already won $500,000.


"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter,"but for $1 million you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question......will you have a go?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"OK. The question is: which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest?

a) Robin,
b) Sparrow,
c) Cuckoo, or
d) Thrush."

"I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon."


Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick.

"I'm sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, "I'll go with da Cuckoo as my
answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked the host.

"Dat it is, Sir."


There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct
answer!

Mick, you've won $1 million!"


The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the Cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest? I mean you know nothing about birds."



"Ah bejaysus!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a Cuckoo lives in a clock!" :lol: :lol:

[keyman]

True story.

There is a sign outside a shop in South Perth which reads;

I'M NOT DYSLEXIC,
THANK DOG!

KM

PS. For the benefit of 'becarefull', South Perth is about 80 odd k's from that place he was enquiring about!!!