A wee bit o'Irish!

[Paddy]

The FBI in America sent a photograph of a wanted criminal. The photo was in three poses - front face and two sideshots.

They said: "We believe this criminal is in Ireland, keep a lookout for him."

Two weeks later the Irish police sent back a message to the FBI, with the photograph, which read: "We got the fella in the middle but we're still looking for the other two!"

[BettyBoop]

Funny Paddy :lol: how about this one

Three leprechauns went off to St Mary's convent and begged an audience with the mother superior.

"well, how can I help you little folk?" asked the Mother Superior.

The larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked "Well, mother superior, would you be a knowing any midget nuns here at the convent?"

"Afraid not," replies Mother Superior, "there are no midget nuns here"

With this, two of the leprechauns looked at the third and grinned

"all right then, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland then?"
"Well, no," replied Mother Superior, "none that I know of."

With this, the same two leprechauns looked at the third and started giggling to themselves.

"Well then, in the whole world of nuns, would you know of any midget nuns?"

"No, I wouldn’t - there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!" said Mother Superior.

With this, the two leprechauns looked at the third and started laughing loudly.


"And would you please tell me what this is all about?" said the Mother Superior.

The asking leprechaun trying to stop from falling over with laughter, said "well, it seems Mother Superior, that our mate Sean here, has been dating a Penguin."

:lol:

[Paddy]

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day.

After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n at me chest!"

"Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you."

So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again.

After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there.

Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route.

When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.

"T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers.

"Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word !?"

[Rogan Josh]

An American tourist was boasting to an Irishman how advanced the Americans are. "Gee, we've even put a man on the moon."

"That's nothing," replied the Irishman,"we're going to put a man on the sun."

"Don't be stupid," said the American," "he'll fry before he even gets there."

"Oh no, he won't. We're sending him at night." :lol:

[Paddy]

Maybe Sandgroper is right, perhaps we are a bit of a tag-team BB & RJ - seems no-one else wants to play!


Paddy was drinking at the pub all night. The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing.

So Paddy stood up to leave and fell flat on his face!

He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell again -- right on his face.

Waited a few more minutes, tried again - same result!

So Paddy decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried yet again to stand up. You guessed it, same result - fell flat on his face yet again!


Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.


The next morning, Paddy woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him.


"So, you've been out drinking again Paddy!!"

"What makes you say that?" Paddy asked as he put on an innocent look.



"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again!!"

[El Gordo]

Sadam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Sadam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Sadam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to ya!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Sadam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Sadam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "Let me get back to ya."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Sadam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Sadam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"



"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners." :lol:

[Rogan Josh]

I'm sure you will appreciate this one Paddy! :grin:

Two Irishmen, Paddy & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Michael stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To the amazement of Michael, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Michael blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness."

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.


Paddy looked disgustedly at Michael whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:


"Nice going, Michael! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

[Paddy]

Yes Rogan Josh, exactly what I would have said :grin:

Funny joke & topical too El Gordo, given what's been going on o/s lately :wink:

Too bad these world leaders don't take heed of Paddy's logic, and seriously consider all the post war consequences before getting involved in one. :sad:

[BettyBoop]

Must be my turn by now! :grin:

Murphy had made a success of his life. He'd emigrated to America, joined the Cavalry and had risen to the rank of sergeant.

With any other regiment he'd have been set for life. Unfortunately, his outfit was the 7th Cavalry and one bright morning he found himself in the middle of the battle of Little Big Horn.

Thousands of Indians surrounded him, Custer and the others were dead, and Murphy began to pray.

'Can anyone up there help me?' he begged as the Indians moved in on him.

From his saddle bag popped a leprechaun all dressed in green.

Till help you, Sergeant Murphy,' said the wee man, 'but you may not like the problem I set you.'

'Whatever it is I'll take it,' said the sergeant frantically.

'Well,' said the leprechaun, Till give you anything you want, rifles, pistols, horses, ammunition. But here's the problem: whatever you ask for, the Indians will each get two of.'



'Easy,' said Murphy with hardly a second to think. I'll have a glass eye!' :lol:

[Rogan Josh]

Paddy walks into a pizza shop and asks for a 12 inch pizza...


"Certanily" says the pizza man "Now would you like me to cut it up into 4 slices or 8 slices?"

Paddy thought for a moment and said " you better cut it up into 4 slices I wouldn't be able to eat 8 slices!"

[GeneralGym]

Much appreciated one and all, me sides are hurting from laughing so much

[Dirk Gently]

Did you hear what ahppened to the Irish tap dancer?



He broke his leg in the sink!

[Paddy]

One afternoon, Paddy met Mick, whom he hadn't seen for quiet some time.

After chatting for a while, Paddy asked Mick what he was doing with himself at the moment.

Mick told Paddy that he was studying at University College in Dublin.


"And what" asked Paddy, "be you studying?"

"Logic," replied Mick.

"What's Logic?" Paddy wanted to know.

"Well!" said Mick, "Do you have a goldfish?" Paddy: "I do!"

Mick: "So, you probably have the fish for your kid?!" Paddy: "That's right!"

Mick: "So... Having kids means your probably married!" Paddy: "That's right!"

Mick: "So being married means you're not a homosexual!" Paddy: "That's right!"


Mick explains that it was Logic that allowed him to figure all that out. The boys say goodbye and head off in different directions.


An hour later, Paddy meets his mate Seamus.

After a while Seamus asked Paddy if he had seen Mick around.

Paddy explains that he met Mick only an hour before.

Seamus says, "And what's old Mick doing with himself?"

Paddy replies "He's studying Logic at the University."

Seamus: "And what's Logic?"

Paddy: "Let me explain....Do you have a goldfish?"

Seamus: "I do!"

Paddy: "So you're not a homosexual then!"


:lol: