Our forum members are a wee bit unwell today!

[Paddy]

Apologies to all our guests comin & goin today. Most of our regular forum contributors are still feeling a wee bit seedy, yesterday being father's day and all.

Posting the Irish guide to medical terms and meanings, so you don’t go away empty handed.

Here they are:

Anally - Occurring Yearly; Artery - The Study of Painting
Bacteria - Back Door to the Cafeteria; Barium - What Undertakers do after Treatments Fail
Bowel - Letters like A E I O U; Caesarian Section - A District of Rome
Cat Scan - Searching for Kitty; Cauterise - Make eye contact with her
Colic - A Sheep Dog; Coma - Punctuation Mark
Congenital - Friendly; D & C - Where Washington is
Diarrhoea - Journal of Daily Events; Dilate - To Live Long
Enema - not a Friend; Fester Quicker
Fibula - A Small Lie; Genital - Not Jewish
G.I. Series - Soldier Ball Game; Hangnail - Coat Hook
High Colonic - Jewish Religious Holiday; Impotent - Distinguished / Well Known
Intense Pain - Torture in a Teepee; Labour Pain - Getting Hurt at Work
Medical Staff - A Doctors Cane; Morbid - A Higher Offer
Nitrate - Cheaper than Day Rate; Node - Well aware of
Outpatient - Person who has Fainted; Pap Smear - Fatherhood Test
Pelvis - Cousin of Elvis; Post Operative -Letter Carrier
Prostate - Flat on your Back; Protein -Favouring Young People
Recovery Room - Place to do Upholstery; Rectum - Damn Nearly Killed Him
Rheumatic - Amorous; Scar - Rolled Tobacco Leaf
Secretion - Hiding Something; Seizure - Roman Emperor
Serology - Study of Knighthood; Tablet - A Small Table
Terminal Illness - Getting Sick at the Airport; Tibia - Country in North Africa
Tumour - An Extra Pair; Urine - Opposite to you're out
Varicose - Located Nearby; Vein - Conceited

:grin:

[Equine Investor]

:lol:

My Doctor is Irish, I am gonna be in a lot of trouble if he uses that medical dictionary!

[croft]

Two racehorses were walking across the paddock after having had a very unsuccessful day. One said to the other: "Do you know, if I continue to perform this badly, my owner will sell me for dogmeat."
The other replied: "I know, but I can't understand it. We're both from good stock, we have excellent trainers and we're as fit as any other horse in the field, so why are we always last?"
A German Shepherd dog which had been trotting alongside piped up: "I can answer that. I go to a lot of races with my owner and I've seen you both before. The trouble is, you're starting too fast and using all your energy before the first furlong. Then, when it comes to the final thrust, you've nothing left to give. My advice to you is to pace yourself; hold something in reserve then, when you're a couple of hundred yards from the finish, go for broke. All the other horses will be knackered, and you'll be nice and fresh."
The first horse looked at the other and said.....
"Bugger me, a talking dog."

[TESTAROSSA]

A punter woke up on Sunday morning realising he was still wearing the same clothes as yesterday and remembered making $500 on the punt the day before , he put his hand in his pocket and only had a $5 note left.
Panicking he tried to remember what happened during the night and remembered he visited a bar.
So he went to the bar to see what happen , when he saw the bartender he asked "Was i in here last night" , "yeah" replied the barkeep "you shouted drinks for everyone all night" , "thank god i thought i squandered my money" said the punter.

[BettyBoop]

Hi There Paddy,

here is one for your collection...

"The Irish Horse-Racing Association has set up a committe to vet proposed names for racehorses, to prevent rude names being given. A spokesman for the Association said: 'This is becoming an increasing
problem. Recently, it was only the quick wits of a clerk which prevented
Norfolk-And-Chance from being approved."

:lol:

_________________



<font color="#FF00FF">BOOP - OOP - A - DOOP !</font></p>






<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: BettyBoop on 2002-09-04 15:35 ]</font>

[Paddy]

Blimey Charlie, I think I’ve started a conga line!

And begods, we have a Betty Boop in the forum! Welcome Betty, you haven’t aged a bit!

So lets keep this conga line going!!

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two lady teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the loo it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's loo when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

The teacher looked around for assistance, but there was nobody around.

Having no choice, she went inside, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, while they pointed percy at the porcelain (so to speak).

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th."


"No, ma'am," he replied, "Actually I'm in the 4th riding Silver Arrow, good chance, oh by the way thanks for the lift."

[becareful]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Equine Investor]

:lol:

Yet another gem from Paddy's Penultimate Poetry!

[TESTAROSSA]

Good stuff Paddy , Heres another one for you.

A young Irish jockey and his stable lass girlfriend make the decision to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Australia for a week.

The wedding goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon.

While checking in the lady behind the desk asks "we have two suites available for you , would you like the bridal?"

"No thanks" says the jockey "i'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!"

[Tab Hunter]

Ok Paddy, An Irish Trainer engages a top jockey to ride his horse and gives intructions: "When you come to a jump, say "Up and over!" Coming to the first fence, the jockey ignores the instruction because the horse would obviously know what to do. But it blunders through the first and second fences. So he follows instructions and shouts "Up and over!" at each succeeding fence and the horse jumps like a stag and wins the race.
Back in the enclosure, the trainer asks what happened at the first two fences? Covering up, the jockey says: "I think your horse is deaf." The trainer repies: "Oh! I didn't know that. I knew he was blind."

[Big Louie]

Hope a joke about horses, not racehorses, is acceptable.

A travelling salesman was driving through the Irish countryside from one town to another when his car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. Being a travelling salesman, he knows nothing about cars, but opens the bonnet anyway to see if he can see anything obviously wrong.

Well, nothing stands out, but while he’s looking he hears this voice “Check the distributor leads”. He spins around, but all he can see is a grey horse looking over the fence. Thinking he must have mis-heard it, he turns his attention back to the car, and as he mumbles to himself, he once again hears a voice “Check the distributor leads”. Again he turns around and says “Who said that?”, to which the grey horse responds “I did”. He is gobsmacked and exclaims “A talking horse!!” and the horse says “Yeah, to be sure, but check the distributor leads”. The salesman checks the leads and, sure enough, one is loose and he puts it back in place and the car starts up again.

He can’t believe what has just happened, and he can’t wait to tell others about the talking horse, so he drives as fast as he can to the nearest town, where he parks the car and dives into the first pub he sees and orders a pint. When the barman delivers the beer, he tells his story. “You won’t believe what just happened…I’m driving down the highway, I break down, and this grey horse tells me how to fix the car….tells me, talks to me, tells me what to do. I can’t believe it”.

Well, the barman is quite casual, and asks “A grey horse, you say?”. The salesman says “Yes, it was”. The barman queries “About 10 miles down the road, was it, south of here?. The salesman answers “‘Yeah, yeah, that’s right!”.

The barman thinks for a moment, and says “You’re really lucky, then”.

The salesman asks “Why?”.

To which the barman replies, “Well, there’s usually a brown horse there, and he knows f**k all about cars.”

[Paddy]

Well done team, lots of laughs here !

:smile: :smile: :grin: :grin: :wink:

[Paddy]

Must be Monday, the forum's fallen asleep!


What do you call a big Irish spider?

Paddy-long-legs.


A not so likeable jockey went into a saddler's shop and asked for one spur. "One spur?" asked the saddler. "Surely you mean a pair of spurs, sir?" "No, just one," replied the jockey. "If I can get one side of the horse to go, the other side is bound to follow!"


Knock! Knock!
Who's there?

An Irish burglar!


Paddy had had a bad day. Lost on the horses, no luck on the lottery, laid off from work, his lot was not a happy one.

Intent on drowning his sorrows he strode in to McNamara's pub and made his way to the bar.

In front of him, lying prostrate and obviously totally comatose lay hard drinking Mick O'Shanessy.


'What do you want?' asked Sean McNamara.
'I want to get like O'Shanessy as soon as possible,' said Paddy.


'Right,' said Sean. And smashed Paddy across the head with a baseball bat!!


Did you hear about the queer Irishman?

Prefers women to drinkin!!


:grin:

[BettyBoop]

Hi There Paddy,

here's another one for your collection...



Paddy and Mick went into a movie theater to see a horse race film. Paddy said to Mick, "I'll bet you $5 that No. 2 will win the race." Mick agreed to the bet, and wouldn't you know it, horse no. 2 won.

After the movie, Paddy said, "I have a confession to make I saw the movie yesterday."

Mick replied, "So did I, but I didn't think he would win twice in a row."

:lol:

[Rogan Josh]

Hope this one raises a smile somewhere!

One day, a religious group scattered around town to spread "the good word", to the people in the downtown area.

One man out of this group walked up to the local TAB filled with some 70 punters, opened the door and yelled "Pray For Forgiveness", and then shut the door and began walking down the street.

Paddy, who had a bad day with the early races, rushed out the door, ran after the man, and when he caught him, asked in a gasping breath - "What Race?"

[Paddy]

Go Team!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Paddy]

The stable boss went out to do her morning rounds and found a horse laying very still in its box stall.

Fearing the worst, she immediately called the vet. The vet felt for a pulse. Sadly, he shook his head and informed the stable boss that the horse was dead.

The stable boss could not believe this and told the vet that she wanted a second opinion.

The vet shrugged, went back to his car, and soon returned with a cat. The cat hissed at the horse and clawed at its legs, with no response.

Still not satisfied, the stable boss said she wanted a third opinion.

Impatiently, the vet went and got his Labrador retriever and let it loose around the horse. The dog barked and jumped around, to which there was absolutely no response.

Finally, the stable boss had to admit that indeed the horse was dead, so the vet presented her with a bill for $1200.

The stable boss went wild. "You were only here for 15 minutes! Are you crazy?!" she shrieked.


"Look," the vet replied, "My time is only worth $100, but the CAT scan and the LAB report each cost $550.00!"

[Rogan Josh]

Hey Paddy, hear you have gone OS for your spell. A mate of mine said he saw you at Doncaster last week - he related the story like this:

Paddy was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam between races at Doncaster when an Englishman, eating chewing gum, sat down next to him.

Paddy politely ignored the Englishman, who nevertheless, started up a conversation.

The Englishman snapped his gum and said, "Do you Irish people eat the whole bread?"

Paddy frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his snack, and replied, "Of course." The Englishman blew a huge bubble.

"We don't. In England, we only eat what's inside. We collect the crusts in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Ireland."

The Englishman had a smirk on his face.

Paddy listened in silence. The English man persisted. "Do you eat jam with the bread?"

Sighing, Paddy replied, "Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Englishman said, "We don't. In England, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Ireland."



With a glint in his eye, Paddy then asked the Englishman, "Do you have sex in England?"

The Englishman smiled and said, "Why of course we do."


Paddy leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away, of course."



Paddy just smiled for a while and then said -

"We don't. In Ireland, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to England." !!!!

"Think you call it Wrigley's, don't know why", Paddy adds with a smile and a wink!



Hope you’re having fun on your spell Paddy, as you can see the jokes are not the same without you!

[BettyBoop]

Paddy the punter made a killing at the bookies and his friends wanted to know the secret of his success.

"I'm superstitious, and I watch for omens" said Paddy.

"To get to the races I took the number 5 bus. It made 5 stops on the way & when I arrived I gave $5 (the smallest note I had) to the salvos" continued Paddy.

"It was three fives telling me something!" added Paddy

"So I added them up....three fives are 16....backed number 16 in the first race, and of course it won by a street at 25/1!"

"Uncanny!!" concluded Paddy!!!!

[Rogan Josh]

If you are out there Paddy, some of us are missing your humorous postings, and I don't mean your Penultimate Plunges either.

A racehorse walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down at one of the tables, and starts reading the form guide. The bartender is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the beer, and brings it over to the horse, who produces a ten dollar note.

Now the barman figures the horse can't be all that bright, so he decides to pull the old 'short-change' trick on him. He duly goes back to the horse with 1 dollar. The horse doesn't say a word.

The horse eventually finishes his beer and goes up to the bar to order another. The bartender says to him, "You know, we don't get many horses in here."


To which the horse replies, "At nine dollars a beer, I'm not surprised!"