View Full Version : You're Jokin!

13th December 2002, 02:28 PM
An Australian tourist after a day at the races, was sitting at the bar in an Irish pub when all of a sudden a guy yelled out "Number 47!", and all the other drinkers started laughing.

A few minutes later another guy yelled out "Number 77!, and again everybody laughed.

The Australian thought this was a bit odd, so he asked the barman what was going on.

The barman said, "Well, it's like this - these people have been drinking here for years, and they all tell the same jokes. So a couple of years ago we decided to give each joke a number, and now when someone starts telling a joke, if you think you know what it is you call out the number and if people think it's a funny one they will laugh."

The Aussie thought he'd give this a try. He waited until it was quiet and then stood up and shouted "Number 88!" and everybody laughed loudly and hysterically for ten minutes or more.

People were falling over and crying with laughter. The pub was in uproar.

The Aussie said to the barman, "So tell me, why did they laugh more at my joke than the others?"

And the barman said, "Well, there are two reasons--firstly it was a very funny joke, and secondly, nobody had heard it before."

Rogan Josh
18th December 2002, 05:37 AM
Not bad Paddy :lol:

Here's one that I don't think has been posted before on our forum:

One day a man passed by a stable and saw a beautiful horse. Hoping to buy the animal, he said to the owner: "I think your horse looks pretty good, so I'll give you $2,000 for him."

"He doesn't look so good, and he's not for sale," the owner said.

The man insisted, "I think he looks just fine and I'll up the price to $3,000."

"He doesn't look so good," the owner said, "but if you want him that much, he's yours."

The next day the man came back raging mad. He went up to the owner and screamed, "You sold me a blind horse. You cheated me!"

The owner calmly replied, "I told you he didn't look so good, didn't I?"

Equine Investor
18th December 2002, 12:53 PM
Great stuff!

:lol: :lol: :lol:

19th December 2002, 07:54 AM
Pretty good Rogan Josh, not heard number 89 for a while. :lol:

19th December 2002, 10:30 AM
So this guy is driving the horse truck through the streets of Melbourne at a 100 miles an hour and then a copper pulls him over and walks up to the driver. He said "did you realise you were going WAY over the limit there buddy!!!"

the truck driver said "Sorry mate but if i dont get these horses to Flemington by the first race i'll lose my job!"

The copper said "give me a look in the back". and he walks around and has a look then comes back and said "THERES NO BLOODY HORSES IN THERE!!" and the truckie says "SHIT! Dont tell me they've given me the scratchings again THIS WEEK!!"

Merry Xmas everyone.

19th December 2002, 06:24 PM
It is so dry here that if it wasn't for the English cricket team. we wouldn't see a bloody duck.

19th December 2002, 06:42 PM
A car pulls into the driveway.

The woman says "that is my husband, jump into the wardrobe".

After awhile in the wardrobe a voice said,
"Geez it's dark in here"

The guy looks down and can see this kid and the kid says, "how would you like to by my plastic football for $50?"

The guys says " you have to be kidding".

The kid says "if you don't buy my football for $50, I will tell my Daddy what I saw".

The guy parts with $50.

That evening the kid races to his Father and says, " Hey Dad, guess what?, I sold my plastic football for $50".

The Father taken aback said "Son, that is dishonest, that crappy football cost $2 and you conned someone into $50, Sunday you will go to Church and confess everything".

"Ah, do I have to", "YES" replied the Father in anger.

Sunday arrives and the kid heads for the confessional, once in there he says "Geez its' dark in here" and a voice from the other side says "Don't tell me I've copped him again".

20th December 2002, 11:55 AM
The trainer was giving last minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something into the horse's mouth just as a steward walked by. "What was that?" inquired the steward. "Oh nothing" said the trainer, "just a Mint". He offered one to the steward and had one himself. After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his instructions "Just keep on the rail. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either me or that bloody steward!!"

20th December 2002, 11:58 AM
Few more....

The tipster said this horse would walk in. It did, but all the others galloped.

I bet on a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the Tote window betting on another horse in the same race.......

20th December 2002, 12:03 PM
one more...

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
MAN: "What was that for?"
WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." The wife looked all satisfied, apologises, and goes off do work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
MAN: "What in the world was that for this time?"
WIFE: "Your horse called."

24th December 2002, 02:00 PM
I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my mate Paddy.

I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the most bizarre dream the night before last. Paddy listened intently as I told him that the dream consisted of one thing and one thing only. So I told him that all I had dreamt about was a huge glowing number "5." It was made of gold and sparkled with diamonds.

Paddy's curiosity had been raised. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the race form and look up the fifth race.

Paddy raised an eyebrow. So I told him that the #5 horse in the fifth race was named "The Fifth Element." Paddy started grinning. Then I told Paddy point-by-point what I did that day.

- I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups of coffee

- I went for a five mile jog to clear my head

- I took a five minute shower

- I put on the fifth dress I found in my wardrobe

- I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up

- I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth bay in the fifth row

- I entered through the fifth admissions gate

- I bought five programs

- I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race

- I went and sat in the fifth row of the main stand making sure there were five people sitting on either side of me.

I settled in and waited for the race to start.

"Well," said Paddy. "Did the horse win?"

I frowned at Paddy and said, "Stupid horse came in fifth."

27th December 2002, 06:03 AM
Father O'Shea, the parish priest in the village, was giving a sermon about charity.

He said, "The trouble with the world today is that some people have too much and others have too little.

We must give of ourselves and our worldly goods to help the less fortunate."

He said to Harrigan, "If you had ten thousand pounds, wouldn't you give half of it to the poor?"

He said, "I would that, Father."

The priest said, "If you had two greyhounds, wouldn't you give one of them to your neighbour next door?"

Harrigan said, "No."

The priest said, "And why not?"

He said, "I have two greyhounds."

27th December 2002, 09:57 AM
This one’s an oldie (no. 11 Paddy!), apologies to those that have heard it before.

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. The first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed."

The second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under our bed."

Paddy says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."

Both of his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious” says Paddy, “The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed"! :lol:

28th December 2002, 05:55 AM
One day in heaven, Saint Peter, Saint Paul and Saint John were standing around near the horse paddocks, watching the horses frolic.

"I am certainly bored", stated John. "Me too," Paul chimed in. Peter stood and watched the horses. "I know!" Peter began. "Why don’t we have one of those jump challenges?"

Paul and John thought that the idea was great except for one small detail that Paul pointed out - "Who are we to compete against, Peter?" Paul asked.

The trio pondered a moment when Peter realized the answer.

"We will call up Satan and invite him to put forward a team. I mean, we have all of the finest jumpers here in heaven, all of the World and National Champions are here. His stable is ridden with the spoiled, difficult and mean horses. We are certain to win!"

And so the trio calls up Satan on the other realm communication lines and invited him to enter a team in their jumping competition.

Satan laughed and said he was sure to come out a winner.

Peter, Paul and John did not understand.

"What do you mean, Satan?" Peter asked. "We have all of the National and World Champion horses in our stable in heaven, how could you possibly come out a winner?"

Satan paused a moment and then laughed.

"Have you forgotten so soon, gentlemen? I have all the bookies!"

bellarine bomber
28th December 2002, 10:18 AM
Paddy & Betty Boop are heading off to the races on Saturday morning.

Says Paddy - "I hope I can come out even today, I need the money"!
(Yeah, I know it's old, but so am I.)

And one to ponder - A full field of thirteen are heading around to the starting stalls at Flemington. What is the total number of times the number 1 appears on the saddle cloths?


28th December 2002, 10:47 AM
I'll bite....it's either 1 or 6.
1 because there is only one number 1, or 6, because 1 is in 1,10,11,12 & 13.


28th December 2002, 07:17 PM
How about both sides of the saddle cloth????

28th December 2002, 07:25 PM
As we are in the mind searching mood, can any of you out there make up a sentence using the word ' AND' 5 times consecutively and be grammatically correct ??


bellarine bomber
29th December 2002, 06:29 AM
You're right Enjay - the numbers appear on both sides of the horse, so the answer is twelve.

You've got me sucked in with your AND question. I know a bloke with a really bad stutter, but I guess that doesn't count.


Rogan Josh
30th December 2002, 12:01 PM
It was a great day for Dublin. The West Indies cricket team had agreed to play an exhibition match against a select XI made up of sportsmen from all over Ireland.

The setting was Lansdown Road, the weather was beautiful, a packed crowd breathlessly waited for the first ball to be bowled.

And then the news came like a bombshell. O'Hanlan, the great batsman, had been involved in a car crash en route to the ground and had broken his leg.

What to do? Who to replace him? Where could they turn? Suddenly - inspiration! Dillon the tinker, the greatest all-round sportsman in Irish history. Dillon would play. Quickly they rang him and just as quickly he declined.

'My legs have gone,' said he. 'I'd be no use to yez. But I tell you what. I've a horse that could do the job.'

'A horse!' exclaimed the captain. 'A horse! The man's gone mad!'

'Nevertheless,' said Casey the wicketkeeper, 'we are desperate.'

In a trice Dillon arrived with the ugliest old grey horse you've ever seen.

'Can he field?' asked the captain.
'Field?' exclaimed Dillon. 'He's the greatest slip fielder in the world.'

The horse was put at first slip and he caught out six players off the first six balls bowled. Leaping here, leaping there.

'Can he bowl?' asked the skipper eagerly.
'Bowl?' smiled Dillon. 'He's the greatest fast bowler you ever seen. Put the ball in his hoof.'

Whack, whack, whack, whack. Down went the stumps, four times off the horse's first four balls. West Indies all out for nought.

A miracle - nothing less.
'Can the horse bat?' asked the captain expectantly.
'Bat? Bat?' beamed Dillon. 'He bats like the second coming of Don Bradman.'

So the horse was padded and gloved, a cap placed between his ears and held down with tape and out it strode to the wicket.

Down came the first ball. Crrrack! The ball left the bat like a bullet.

'Run!' shouted the skipper. 'Run! Run!'

'Don't be stupid,' said Dillon. 'If he could run he wouldn’t be here playing cricket, I’d have him at the races!' :eek:

3rd January 2003, 11:36 AM
A guy wanted a sign painted for his business so he phoned up the painters. His shop was called Cock and Bull and he sat down with the painters to come up with a nice design. The painter said "Shall i just paint cock and bull and leave it nice and plain?" The shop owner said "No i would like you to put a couple of stars in between the words so it looks good" The painter said "where would you like them?" the owner said "I i want a star between Cock and And, and And and Bull".

There you go 5 Ands in a row.

3rd January 2003, 08:07 PM
Good on you hefty.

You have been reading my mail. Correct in every way.


15th January 2003, 09:09 PM
This Queensland horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she
was entered.

But as she got older she became very temperamental.

He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but
when she raced during the day she would come in dead last.

He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail.

He finally had to give up because it had become ...... a real night mare. :grin:

16th January 2003, 08:58 AM
Number 34 BettyBoop !? Forgot all about that one! :grin:

21st January 2003, 03:40 PM
Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best of breed.

The first says, "I'll grant you are the closest I have ever seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than yours, and, you know, the legs are of prime importance: no foot, no horse!"

The second horse says, "I'll allow your legs are just a bit better than mine, but mine are the legs I was born with and I know for a fact you had thousands of dollars of corrective work.

Your foals will inherit your natural legs, not your genius farrier!"

The first horse mulls this for a moment, then says, "You're right. I stand corrected..."


El Gordo
21st January 2003, 05:22 PM
The thunder god went for a ride on his favourite filly.

"I'm Thor!" he cried.

The horse answered, "You forgot the thaddle, thilly."


Rogan Josh
21st January 2003, 06:59 PM
Paddy & Sean bought some horses at an auction, paying one hundred dollars apiece for them.

Then they drove to another auction, and sold all their horses for the same price they'd paid for them.

After counting their money at the end of the day, they were very upset to realize that they'd ended up with no more money than they'd started with.

"See!" said Paddy. "I told you we shoulda bought more horses!"

27th January 2003, 07:20 AM
A zebra went to heaven. When he saw St. Peter he asked him, "You know, I have always wondered, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?"

St. Peter said he would have to ask God that question since he's the one that made him.

So the zebra asked God, "God, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?"

God answered, "You are what you are."

The zebra left and came upon St. Peter and told him, "Well I asked God if I was a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes..."

"What was the answer," St. Peter asked.

"Well I still don't know. All He said was: 'You are what you are.'

"Well that answers it," Said St. Peter. "You're a white horse with black stripes."

"How do you know that?" asked the zebra.

"Well if you were a black horse with white stripes He would have said: 'You is what you is.'"


27th February 2003, 07:11 PM
'How come you're always winning money on the horses?' asked Paddy.

'Well, it's all down to Saint Anthony,' said Peter McGee. 'Every morning on my way to work I pop into church, kneel in front of Saint Anthony's statue, take out the racing paper, and the holy man guides my hand down the list of runners. Never fails.'

'I'm not a Catholic,' said Paddy, 'but I'd love to try it. Where is this statue?'

'Go in the front door of Sacred Heart Church and Saint Anthony is the six-foot statue on the right.'

Next morning, into church went Paddy, little knowing that overnight the six-foot Saint Anthony had been removed for cleaning and in its place was a two-foot high replica.

Paddy searched high and low for the six-foot Saint Anthony, but it was nowhere to be found.

Finally Paddy edged up to the little statue and whispered, I'm a friend of Pete McGee's. Has your old man left any tips for today?' :???: :lol:

27th February 2003, 09:00 PM
Betty Boop, Paddy, Rogan Josh and El Gordo pretending to be four different posters..............Now, that's a joke. :smile:

C'mon. Time to come clean.
You are one and the same.

28th February 2003, 07:53 AM
No 134 Bozo :eek: now that's funny.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

28th February 2003, 11:16 AM
I confess! I can’t take anymore :???:

PS – Bozo, where were you last night? I waited till 7.30! :mad:

3rd March 2003, 11:23 PM
An engineer died and went to Hell,and within a short time revamped the whole place.God heard about this and called Satan to see what was going on.Satan told God that everything was great in Hell,they now had elevators,flush toilets.satellite TV,and that this guy was totally amazing,and he was anxiously awaiting what he would come up with next.God became quite angry,and said that this guy had been sent to Hell by mistake,and demanded he be sent up to Heaven.Satan flatly refused."Well if you don't send him up here"said God,"I"ll sue!"."Oh yeah,"said Satan,"and where are you going to get a lawyer?".

A blonde moved into a well to do neighbourhood,and decided to look for some extra money doing odd jobs on weekends.Knocking on the door of a posh house,she was greeted by a well heeled man who asked what she wanted.Telling him she was looking for work,he said"well you could paint the porch,how much would you charge?"."50 bucks",said the blonde,to which the guy readily agreed,and gave her the paint and brushes and went back inside.His wife had overheard the conversation,and said"50 bucks,does she realise the porch goes all the way around the house?"."She should do",he said,"she was standing on it".Half an hour later the doorbell rang,it was the blonde,telling him she was finished."I had some paint left over,"she said,"so I gave it two coats."The guy was quite impressed,and paid her the 50 bucks.As she was heading for the gate,she turned and said,"oh and by the way,it's not a porch,it's a Ferrari."

3rd March 2003, 11:42 PM
A blonde was on a flight from Sydney to Perth with an economy class ticket.After the plane took off,she got up and moved forward and took a seat in first class.When the stewardess came around checking the tickets,she told the blonde she only had an economy class ticket and would,which the blonde refused to do."I've got a ticket to Perth,I don't like it back there,and I'm not moving",she said.Quite perplexed,the stewardess wentinto the cockpit and told the copilot.The copilot went and spoke to her,and got the same stubborn reply."Ive got a ticket to Perth,I don't like it back there,and I'm not moving."He went back to the cockpit and angrily began to radio for the Police to be waiting at the airport.The Captain asked what was going on,and on being told the details,said"leave this to me,I'm married to a blonde,I speak blonde!".So he goes down the aisle,whispers briefly in the blondes ear,and she says"Oh,I'm sorry,I didn't realise,"and gets up and moves back to economy."How did you do that,"asked the amazed copilot and stewardess."It was easy,"said the Captain,"I told her that first class wasn't going to Perth."

4th March 2003, 03:17 PM
That's funny angel416, I was told the very same thing on returning back to Perth from my last holiday over east. :eek: :???:

All the best from the West

Sandgroper :smile:

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Sandgroper on 2003-03-04 16:18 ]</font>

20th November 2011, 03:27 PM
A 5 YO girl had never spoken a word in her life until one day at the dining room table she asked "Please pass the Pepper"
The parents were so shocked they asked the little girl why she hadnt spoke before this.

Little Girl."Everything was safisfactory before today"

20th November 2011, 03:32 PM
Didn't tickled my funny-bone

20th November 2011, 04:26 PM
Aw.This one might cheer ya up.

2 QLD cops were chasing the speeding car when they approached the NSW
Pulling up with screeching brakes they decided since NSW was 1 hour ahead of QLD they had no hope of catching the car now.

20th November 2011, 04:32 PM
Aw.This one might cheer ya up.

2 QLD cops were chasing the speeding car when they approached the NSW
Pulling up with screeching brakes they decided since NSW was 1 hour ahead of QLD they had no hope of catching the car now.
Not much better, darkydog2002. Isn't this a horse racing forum. I would think you should be posting (better) :) jokes in the General Forum.

12th February 2012, 02:09 PM
Looks lke Uncle Dick and "erry "are in a bit of strife in NZ for singing Australias National Anthem in the Black Power Clubhouse.
I personally dont understand it at all myself but then I,m not the sharpest Knife in the draw.

"Oh to be a Aussie cos Aussies have such fun
For how can we be gloomy when the sun shines out our bxms"

No doubt it will all be sorted out.
Hope so as I,m relying somewhat in their tips.

12th February 2012, 02:25 PM
I fell on my head when I was 4 years of age.

12th February 2012, 06:23 PM
Smoothed over by a carton of Rum + Cokes much to the relief of the NZ punters.
Ah.What goes on behind the scenes in the NZ punting world.

29th April 2014, 06:57 PM
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control.

I thought to myself "Well, this changes everything."