number 3

"The bane of those that succeed is the constant niggling of the perennial loser"

Oscar Wilde.

:lol:

Paddy walks into the bar, up to the bartender and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks".

The bartender says, "That's fine, are you sure you have enough money, I'll need to see some money first".

Paddy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?", asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler", replies Paddy.

The bartender says, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?".

"Well, I only bet on sure things" says Paddy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye."

The bartender thought about it. "OK". So, Paddy pulls out his false right eye and bites it.

"Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender, and pays Paddy $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye" says Paddy.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet".

So, Paddy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again".

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best whiskey in leiu of the $50", says Paddy.

With that, Paddy goes into the back room and spends the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals.

After many hours of drinking and card playing, Paddy stumbles up to the bar.



Paddy, drunk as a skunk, says, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and pee into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop".



The bartender once again pondered the bet. Paddy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on".


Paddy climbs up on the bar, stands on one leg, and begins peeing all over the place.

Paddy hits the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.



The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!".



Paddy climbs down off the bar and says, "That's OK. :grin:

I just bet each of the guys in the card room $1000 each that I could pee all over you AND the bar and still make you laugh!"

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Right on paddy luv it

Cheers

Paddy,

You obviously watch the same action movies as me.

:wink:

Murphy is working in a sawmill when he accidentally saws his ear off.

It falls on the ground amongst all the sawdust.

His workmates frantically start looking for the ear so they can rush Murphy off to hospital to have the ear sewn back on.

Suddenly O'Shaunessy yells out,

"I've found it, I've found it, I've found you ear Murphy! :smile:


Murphy takes a good hard look at the ear and says,


"Na, that's not my ear - mine had a pencil behind it :roll:


:lol: :lol:

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Funnee Paddy :lol:

A drunken ambulance
Mick Flaherty had supped more Guinness than enough and had stumbled out of Quinn's bar and into the Sunday afternoon air.

As his drunken eyes squinted to adjust to the light, an ambulance went by at great speed. Blue lights flashing and siren blaring, it roared up the street with Mick in full flight running after it.

A hundred yards, 200, 300, almost a quarter of a mile he tracked it until suddenly, lungs and legs giving out, he fell into the gutter.

Then with his very last ounce of breath he roared: 'You can keep your damned ice cream!'

Cheers

Expensive birthday treat
As a birthday treat Pat had taken his fiancee out for a meal at a very smart restaurant. The menu looked rather too expensive for Pat's pocket so he gradually whittled down the lady's choice to chicken and salad.

'That'll be £38 sir,' smiled the waiter.

'Thirty-eight pounds,' said Pat. 'Sure we've only had chicken and salad.'

'Yes, sir,' explained the waiter, 'but you've had chicken breasts. There's only one breast on a bird so we've had to kill two birds to serve you.'

Mumbling to himself Pat reluctantly paid the money just as his lady friend said:

'Why don't we have a cocktail? I fancy a horse's neck.'

'Well,' said Pat. I'll have the legs. They're not killing two horses!'