This forum definitely needs a bit of an injection of Irish blarney.........
So where is our favourite funster, Paddy,..
Let us have some of your unique humour to loosen things up a bit....
All forum contributors are waiting to hear from you.

Cheers.

I agree wheres Paddy I miss his humour

No Paddy I know, but here goes...

A middle aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 kmph,and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 kmph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

Good one shy

whife comes home 3 in the morning wearing mink coat husband asks wear did you get that .wife says i won it in a raffle .husband notices diamond ring, asks were did you get that ,wife replies iwon it in a raffle will you please stop annoying me and run me a bath husband does as she asks she goes into bathroom theh calls her husband you fool she says there is only an inch of water in the bath explain why .husband says my dear i dont want you to get your raffle ticket wet

Hiya xanadu & kenchar :wink:
Yeh have been missing for a while my boyos - been out in the spelling paddock getting ready for the big spring carnivals :cool:

Actually thought most forum folk had perhaps grown tired my humour :grin:

Funny jokes shy & tragic :lol:

For those forum folk who like to partake of the black stuff, here is a little something for you -

Guinness Users' Troubleshooting Guide:

SYMPTOM: Drink fails to give satisfaction and taste. Shirt front is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open while drinking OR glass being applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Buy another pint and practice in front of mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until your drinking technique is perfect.

SYMPTOM: Drinking gives no satisfaction and taste. Glass is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass is empty.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

SYMPTON: Feet wet and cold.
FAULT: Glass is empty.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Turn glass the other way up, so that the open end is pointing at the ceiling.

SYMPTON: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Incorrect bladder control.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Go and stand next to nearest dog, after a while, complain to dog's owner about the lack of house training. Demand a pint as compensation.

SYMPTON: Bar blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

SYMPTON: Bar Swaying.
FAULT: Air turbulence is unusually high. May be due to darts match.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTON: Bar Moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Find out if you are being taken to another pub; if you're not, complain loudly that you're being hijacked by the Salvation army.


SYMPTON: You notice the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and strip lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backwards.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put.

SYMPTON: Everything has gone dim, and you have a mouthful of broken teeth and other bits & pieces.
FAULT: You have fallen over forwards.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Same as for falling backwards.

SYMPTON: Everthing has gone dark.
FAULT: The bar is closing.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: PANIC !!!!!!!!!!!!!! :eek:


SYMPTON: You wake up to find your bed cold hard and wet. You can't see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not then treat yourself to a lie-in.

here's a little something for those of us who are no longer spring chickens :smile:

Getting OLD
"OLD" IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love"
and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens
the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as
you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of
by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take
any fibre today.

"OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking
lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

see ya
Every Topic

They say laughter is the best medicine, so thanks heaps for a good dose :lol:

And welcome back Paddy :smile:

_________________
All the best from the West

Sandgroper :smile:

[ This Message was edited by: Sandgroper on 2003-09-04 11:18 ]

Yep, good to see you back Paddy. :smile:

Hey Forum Folk, have you noticed that we have posted some 9923 posts in the Pro-Punter Horse Racing forum. What do you think will happen when our posts reach 10000?? Will the meter roll over correctly or will it show 0000 :???: