Hiya xanadu & kenchar :wink:
Yeh have been missing for a while my boyos - been out in the spelling paddock getting ready for the big spring carnivals
Actually thought most forum folk had perhaps grown tired my humour :grin:
Funny jokes shy & tragic :lol:
For those forum folk who like to partake of the black stuff, here is a little something for you -
Guinness Users' Troubleshooting Guide:
SYMPTOM: Drink fails to give satisfaction and taste. Shirt front is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open while drinking OR glass being applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Buy another pint and practice in front of mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until your drinking technique is perfect.
SYMPTOM: Drinking gives no satisfaction and taste. Glass is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass is empty.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
SYMPTON: Feet wet and cold.
FAULT: Glass is empty.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Turn glass the other way up, so that the open end is pointing at the ceiling.
SYMPTON: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Incorrect bladder control.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Go and stand next to nearest dog, after a while, complain to dog's owner about the lack of house training. Demand a pint as compensation.
SYMPTON: Bar blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
SYMPTON: Bar Swaying.
FAULT: Air turbulence is unusually high. May be due to darts match.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
SYMPTON: Bar Moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Find out if you are being taken to another pub; if you're not, complain loudly that you're being hijacked by the Salvation army.
SYMPTON: You notice the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and strip lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backwards.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put.
SYMPTON: Everything has gone dim, and you have a mouthful of broken teeth and other bits & pieces.
FAULT: You have fallen over forwards.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Same as for falling backwards.
SYMPTON: Everthing has gone dark.
FAULT: The bar is closing.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: PANIC !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SYMPTON: You wake up to find your bed cold hard and wet. You can't see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION TO BE TAKEN: Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not then treat yourself to a lie-in.