I have a few yarns I heard when I was a kid and have embellished them a little to make more entertaining.

Here's and example-





The show arrived in town every September, to celebrate the arrival of springtime. One of the features of the show was an old Tiger Moth aircraft which took people for joyrides over the little town of Weethalle.

Uncle Jim always wanted to take the joyride but as it cost 100 dollars his wife Peggy always stymied his idea. “A hundred dollars is a lot of money,” she used to say. They attended the show every year and on each occasion Jim would ask the same question, but unfortunately always received the same answer, “A hundred dollars is a lot of money!”

One year Jim was wandering around the aircraft hanger and wistfully thinking what might have been. Suddenly he noticed a sign he had not seen before, attached to the gate of the aircraft enclosure.

“Free ride for anyone who can take a ‘loop the loop’ and not make a sound,” the sign said.

In total excitement Jim found Peggy and gave her the great news. “We can have a free flight Peggy,” he yelled. “The plane has two passenger seats directly behind the pilot which means we can both take the flight.” Jim continued.

“Now, remember Peggy, not one little squeal and we have a free ride,” Jim kept saying over and over again as they walked toward the aircraft.

At last it was their turn and the excited pair boarded the little plane. The pilot took off and began flying in a straight line for a few minutes. Suddenly the nose dropped and the plane dived dramatically. In a split second the plane was flying up-side-down and then pulled out of the dive and began flying normally again.

Not a sound was heard from the passengers so the pilot repeated the ‘loop the loop’.

He soon realized he was not going to entice a scream from his passengers and so he landed the plane. He then turned to Jim and congratulated him.

“Where’s your wife,” the pilot asked as they climbed out of the plane. Jim looked a little guilty and said, “She fell out during the second loop!”

“What!!” the pilot screamed in total horror. “Why didn’t you say something?”

With a bemused look on his wrinkled old face Jim said, “As my lovely wife used to say, ‘one hundred dollars is a lot of money’!”

I must admit I have always been a soft touch and it often costs me time and money. There is always someone who needs a helping hand and, I am only too happy to oblige.

However the following experience made me realize that I should mind my own business.

I flew from my home in the country to Sydney to buy a car. Having successfully made the purchase, I stopped for lunch and bought some fish and chips. Sitting in a park eating my dinner I noticed an elderly gentleman crying.

With my usual empathy I asked the old guy what was wrong.

“I’m married to a 25 year old lady” he moaned.

“And does she treat you badly?” I asked sympathetically.

“Oh no, not at all,” he said. “She treats me like a king.”

“But surely there must be problems with your relationship, or you wouldn’t be crying,” I continued.

“Not at all,” he replied sternly. She gives me a half hour massage at least twice a day, cooks the most beautiful meals and always buys me presents.

“She must have a nasty, mean side to her then?” I asked whilst starting to feel quite frustrated.

“Far from it!” he retorted. “She is so proud of me she brags to all her friends of how lucky she is”.

“I know what it is!” I confidently said. “You’re a wealthy man and she has nothing, and is waiting for you to die so she can inherit your money”.

“That’s not it,” he said, sounding slightly embarrassed.

“She is a multi-millionaire. We live in her mansion and she has given me another of her houses in the country. Before I met her I owned an old car and lived in a rented flat. I’m just so lucky and extremely happy,” he explained.

“Wow!” I exclaimed. You are the luckiest man l have ever met! But, why the heck are you upset and crying?”

“I can’t remember where I live,” he sobbed.

__________________
When I want to understand what is happening today or try to decide what will happen tomorrow, I look back... Omar Khayyam-1099

Uncle Tom and his wife of 20 years, Irene, were shopping at the new department store that had just opened in town.

“Wow!” said Tom. “You can buy anything in this shop. A bunch of grapes through to a shovel,” he marveled.

They went past the liquor department and Tom yelled excitedly.

“Look at that a carton of beer for only 25 dollars”, he said, as he put one into their trolley. “We can’t afford to spend 25 hard earned dollars on beer,” she scolded.

“Just get a six pack”

Reluctantly Mick returns the case of beer to the shelf.

The next department was the women’s beauty department. Irene was excited when she found her favorite face cream on special.

“Look at this Tom”. She said excitedly. “This is the best face cream you can buy and it’s on special for only $50.”

“Fair go” said Tom. You just stopped me from buying a carton of beer and now you’re spending $50 on what looks like axle grease.

“But it makes me look younger and more beautiful,” Irene replied.

“So does a carton of beer and its only half the price,” Tom whispered under his breath.

“What was that remark,” Irene asked.

“Nothing dear”, said Tom.

__________________
When I want to understand what is happening today or try to decide what will happen tomorrow, I look back... Omar Khayyam-1099