JOKE

[darkydog2002]

Punter Ron rushes through the door excitedly telling his wife." I just won the lottery,pack your bags."

The wife says ."Should I pack for the mountains or the beach"

Punter Ron." I dont care ,just get out of here"

Cheers.
darky.

[darkydog2002]

Here,s one for ya ENJAY.

An old copper is driving home from the pub when he hits 2 pedestrians .One goes through the windscreen and the other is flung off into the roadside.

The one that went through the windscreen was charged with breaking and entering / the other with leaving the scene of an accident.

Ah . the good old days.

Cheers.
darky

[peakester]

Well done Darky ****** to start a jokes thread - I hope it builds to provide some light entertainment for us all. Enjay, are you a woman or a OSNAG (overly sensitive new age guy). Either way take your sense of humour elsewhere.

Here are some more for you Enjay.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

********************************

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

************

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR AND EVERY YEAR
MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER."


ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, "I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50
DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."


ONE YEAR ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR AND MORRIS SAID, "ESTHER, I'M
85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER
CHANCE."


ESTHER REPLIED "MORRIS THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS
50 DOLLARS."


THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE AND SAID, " FOLKS, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.
I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE AND IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE
ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD I WON'T CHARGE YOU, BUT IF YOU SAY ONE
WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS..!"


MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED AND UP THEY WENT. THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF
FANCY MANOEUVRES, BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS DARE DAREDEVIL
TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD.


WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS AND SAID, "BY GOLLY, I DID
EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M
IMPRESSED!"


MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT,
BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS!"

Doctor: "I have some bad news and some very bad news."
Patient: "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live."
Patient: "24 Hours! Thats terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?"
Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

The angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."

First guy proudly: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

[dingoboy]

Paddy and suan were fed up with the poor pay in Ireland,
one day in the pub they decided to buy a row boat for 50 pounds and row across the channel for a better life in France.

Sunday came and off they set, hours went buy and Paddy stood up in the leaky little tub.
"How far do you think weve come Saun?"
"Bout half way id recon Paddy"
"Well, im so ruddy tired,...how bout we go back home and try again tomorrow"


A pirate and his mate met in a tavern in the Bahamas, 1800s, they hadnt seen each other for years.
Ahh, i havent seen you for years captain, how are you (all the pirate noises, rum, 1 leg, you get the picture)
Arrrr, im good.
I noticed youve lost your leg captain,...what happened there ?

well,...i was chassing a hump back whale of the ivory coast and the ************ turned and bit me leg off,...now ive got this wooden leg.

I notice you have a hook, what happened there ?

Well, i was fighting the French, and one of them cut me ruddy hand off in a sword fight,...now i got this hook.

And i noticed captain youve got that patch on your eye, what happened ?

AHHHH, me patch,.....well i was sun baking on the poop deck in the maldives when a pigeon swooped down from the crows nest and pooped in me eye.

well,...how did that make you loose your eye captain ?



it was the day after i got me hook !



keep em comming, ive got heaps

[michaelg]

An Aussie, a Yank and an Irishman are in a cell awaiting a firinq squad. The Aussie is called out first and is lined up against a wall. As the soldiers raise their rifles he shouts out "earthquake". The soldiers drop their rifles and run away whilst the Aussie jumps over the wall and escapes.

After the soldiers regroup they call out the Yank and place him in front of the wall. He then shouts out "tornado". The soldiers drop their rifles and flee whilst the Yank jumps over the wall and escapes.

The Irishman says to himself "Ah, I see how its done. All I've got to do is shout out a natural disaster and as the soldiers run away I can escape over the wall".

The soldiers grab the Irishman and place him in front of the wall. As the soldiers point their rifles at him he grins and shouts "Fire".

[dingoboy]

Nice Michaelg, have not heard that one !

Little jonny, sitting in class monday morning! (at the back corner near the window)

Teacher comes in and asks the little ones what they did on the weekend.

"little mary, what did you do on the weekend"? teacher asks,
"well,....miss, my family went on a picnic to the beach and we made sand houses"
Very nice the teacher replys, but thats sand castles,... now anyone else?
little johny with his arm stretched as high as it could go,...no the teacher tinks,...he is a shocker,..ill pick someone else.

"little sammy, what did you do"?
"well miss, my family went to the snow for the weekend and made snow men and had lots of fun"
very nice sammy, but thats snow people, (politically correct)
this goes on until no one left except for Johny


"well,...i guess its your turn Johny, what did you do"?

"we did go down to the river, we did do stick fire crackers up the frogs ar$es and did blow the $h1t out of em!"

"well, johny,...thats,...um,.....well,.......reckum !"

Johny,......sure did miss, .....frog bits everywhere !

[feather]

Here is one for use women

Its’ a wife’s job to listen to her husband….

There was a man who had worked all his life and had saved all of his money. He was
A real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything and just before he dies, he said to his wife, “now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife.”

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he dies, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He stretched out in the casket; the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “wait just a minute!” She had a shoe box with her; she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

The undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.” She said “yes I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him”

“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”

[darkydog2002]

An inflatable jockey was riding an inflatable horse for an inflatable owner and inflatable trainer for the first time over the jumps.Leading easily after the last he pulls up too early and 2 horses go past him.
After the race the jockey was so mad he stuck a pin in the horse.,then he stuck a pin in the owner ,then the trainer.
He was called before the stewards where he stuck a pin in himself.
The stewards said to him 'Not only did you let the horse ,the trainer and the owner down ,you have let yourself down"

Cheers.

[dingoboy]

Hey Darky,

May i use that one,....its a ripper,...please!?

[darkydog2002]

Go right ahead.
Its a corker isn,t it.?

Cheers.
darky

[stugots]

husband comes home with a duck under his arm, spots his wife & says
"this is the pig i was telling you about".

wife says "um, thats a duck!"

husband says "i wasnt talking to you..."

[dingoboy]

A bloke walks into a bar in the middle of australia,
He has a cockatoo on his shoulder.

Ol mate bar keeper"where did you get him,....hes a beauty"!!

Cocky replies"AAAHHHHH, i just found him wondering arround in the scrub"

[Dolus]

The joke about the inflatable jockey reminds me of this one

The Marshal walks into the saloon and asks

'Has anybody see The Paper Bag Kid?'

'No Marshal, What's he look like?'

'He wears a paper bag shirt, paper bag breeches, and a paper bag hat and rides a paper bag horse'

'What's he wanted for Marshall?'

'RUSTLING'

[crash]

Demeaning wives are OK, but don't mention blond women or the jokes will be removed [?]

Anyone know any jokes that offend absolutely nobody [not chickens either or the animal libbers will sue us]?

[xptdriver]

Demeaning wives are OK, but don't mention blond women or the jokes will be removed [?]

Anyone know any jokes that offend absolutely nobody [not chickens either or the animal libbers will sue us]?

One for the animal libbers (tis a bit sick lol)

2 Harp seal pups walk into a club...............................................



Cheers

[darkydog2002]

Farmers son up Tamworth way talking to his father the morning after his wedding night.

"By gees these woman are a stupid lot.She told me to get aboard.By the time I found a board the silly cow was gone "

[Moderator 3]

This is not a tell a joke forum and we don't particularly enjoy spending time moderating this. We've seen what joke telling posts degenerate into elsewhere on the internet.

If you prefer we'll lock the thread.
Demeaning wives are OK, but don't mention blond women or the jokes will be removed [?]


Anyone know any jokes that offend absolutely nobody [not chickens either or the animal libbers will sue us]?

[crash]

Ok everybody, lets get back to being one dimensional punters. This [punting] is a serious business.

[Hammers]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto arrive at the saloon. Silver is particularly hot after the long gallop so TLR asks Tonto to sprint as fast as he can in circles around the horse to cool it down, which he does.

Some 45 minutes later a Cowboy walks in and says,

"Heh, Lone Ranger, I think you left your Ingin running".

[crash]

Test for Dementia





Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?


Let's find out just how clever you really are....



Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)












First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to mess up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?






Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.....









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
....Maybe.

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!


Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and! the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






He just has to open his mouth and ask... It's really very simple.... Like you!

[peakester]

19 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity:


1. At Lunch Time, Sit in Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a
Hair Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.


2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.


3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries
with that.


4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".


5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to expresso.


6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds".


7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".


8. Don't use any punctuation.


9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.


10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.


11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".


12. Sing Along At The Opera.


13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?


14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds
All Day.


15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You're Not In The Mood.


16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.


17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"


18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"


19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go."

[crash]

Some enlightening instructions seen on some products:

On a TV dinner -- " First remove from box"

On a hairdryer -- “Do not use while sleeping.”

On a bag of Crisps -- “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.”

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."

On Nytol Sleeping Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."

On an Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."