Punter Ron rushes through the door excitedly telling his wife." I just won the lottery,pack your bags."

The wife says ."Should I pack for the mountains or the beach"

Punter Ron." I dont care ,just get out of here"

Cheers.
darky.

Here,s one for ya ENJAY.

An old copper is driving home from the pub when he hits 2 pedestrians .One goes through the windscreen and the other is flung off into the roadside.

The one that went through the windscreen was charged with breaking and entering / the other with leaving the scene of an accident.

Ah . the good old days.

Cheers.
darky

Well done Darky ****** to start a jokes thread - I hope it builds to provide some light entertainment for us all. Enjay, are you a woman or a OSNAG (overly sensitive new age guy). Either way take your sense of humour elsewhere.

Here are some more for you Enjay.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

********************************

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

************

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR AND EVERY YEAR
MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER."


ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, "I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50
DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."


ONE YEAR ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR AND MORRIS SAID, "ESTHER, I'M
85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER
CHANCE."


ESTHER REPLIED "MORRIS THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS
50 DOLLARS."


THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE AND SAID, " FOLKS, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.
I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE AND IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE
ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD I WON'T CHARGE YOU, BUT IF YOU SAY ONE
WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS..!"


MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED AND UP THEY WENT. THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF
FANCY MANOEUVRES, BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS DARE DAREDEVIL
TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD.


WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS AND SAID, "BY GOLLY, I DID
EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M
IMPRESSED!"


MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT,
BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS!"

Doctor: "I have some bad news and some very bad news."
Patient: "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live."
Patient: "24 Hours! Thats terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?"
Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

The angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."

First guy proudly: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

Paddy and suan were fed up with the poor pay in Ireland,
one day in the pub they decided to buy a row boat for 50 pounds and row across the channel for a better life in France.

Sunday came and off they set, hours went buy and Paddy stood up in the leaky little tub.
"How far do you think weve come Saun?"
"Bout half way id recon Paddy"
"Well, im so ruddy tired,...how bout we go back home and try again tomorrow"


A pirate and his mate met in a tavern in the Bahamas, 1800s, they hadnt seen each other for years.
Ahh, i havent seen you for years captain, how are you (all the pirate noises, rum, 1 leg, you get the picture)
Arrrr, im good.
I noticed youve lost your leg captain,...what happened there ?

well,...i was chassing a hump back whale of the ivory coast and the ************ turned and bit me leg off,...now ive got this wooden leg.

I notice you have a hook, what happened there ?

Well, i was fighting the French, and one of them cut me ruddy hand off in a sword fight,...now i got this hook.

And i noticed captain youve got that patch on your eye, what happened ?

AHHHH, me patch,.....well i was sun baking on the poop deck in the maldives when a pigeon swooped down from the crows nest and pooped in me eye.

well,...how did that make you loose your eye captain ?



it was the day after i got me hook !



keep em comming, ive got heaps

An Aussie, a Yank and an Irishman are in a cell awaiting a firinq squad. The Aussie is called out first and is lined up against a wall. As the soldiers raise their rifles he shouts out "earthquake". The soldiers drop their rifles and run away whilst the Aussie jumps over the wall and escapes.

After the soldiers regroup they call out the Yank and place him in front of the wall. He then shouts out "tornado". The soldiers drop their rifles and flee whilst the Yank jumps over the wall and escapes.

The Irishman says to himself "Ah, I see how its done. All I've got to do is shout out a natural disaster and as the soldiers run away I can escape over the wall".

The soldiers grab the Irishman and place him in front of the wall. As the soldiers point their rifles at him he grins and shouts "Fire".

Nice Michaelg, have not heard that one !

Little jonny, sitting in class monday morning! (at the back corner near the window)

Teacher comes in and asks the little ones what they did on the weekend.

"little mary, what did you do on the weekend"? teacher asks,
"well,....miss, my family went on a picnic to the beach and we made sand houses"
Very nice the teacher replys, but thats sand castles,... now anyone else?
little johny with his arm stretched as high as it could go,...no the teacher tinks,...he is a shocker,..ill pick someone else.

"little sammy, what did you do"?
"well miss, my family went to the snow for the weekend and made snow men and had lots of fun"
very nice sammy, but thats snow people, (politically correct)
this goes on until no one left except for Johny


"well,...i guess its your turn Johny, what did you do"?

"we did go down to the river, we did do stick fire crackers up the frogs ************ and did blow the ********** out of em!"

"well, johny,...thats,...um,.....well,.......reckum !"

Johny,......sure did miss, .....frog bits everywhere !

Here is one for use women

Its’ a wife’s job to listen to her husband….

There was a man who had worked all his life and had saved all of his money. He was
A real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything and just before he dies, he said to his wife, “now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife.”

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he dies, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He stretched out in the casket; the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “wait just a minute!” She had a shoe box with her; she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

The undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.” She said “yes I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him”

“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”

An inflatable jockey was riding an inflatable horse for an inflatable owner and inflatable trainer for the first time over the jumps.Leading easily after the last he pulls up too early and 2 horses go past him.
After the race the jockey was so mad he stuck a pin in the horse.,then he stuck a pin in the owner ,then the trainer.
He was called before the stewards where he stuck a pin in himself.
The stewards said to him 'Not only did you let the horse ,the trainer and the owner down ,you have let yourself down"

Cheers.

Hey Darky,

May i use that one,....its a ripper,...please!?

Go right ahead.
Its a corker isn,t it.?

Cheers.
darky