Well done Darky ****** to start a jokes thread - I hope it builds to provide some light entertainment for us all. Enjay, are you a woman or a OSNAG (overly sensitive new age guy). Either way take your sense of humour elsewhere.

Here are some more for you Enjay.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

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Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

************

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR AND EVERY YEAR
MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER."


ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, "I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50
DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."


ONE YEAR ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR AND MORRIS SAID, "ESTHER, I'M
85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER
CHANCE."


ESTHER REPLIED "MORRIS THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS
50 DOLLARS."


THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE AND SAID, " FOLKS, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.
I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE AND IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE
ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD I WON'T CHARGE YOU, BUT IF YOU SAY ONE
WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS..!"


MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED AND UP THEY WENT. THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF
FANCY MANOEUVRES, BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS DARE DAREDEVIL
TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD.


WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS AND SAID, "BY GOLLY, I DID
EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M
IMPRESSED!"


MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT,
BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS!"

Doctor: "I have some bad news and some very bad news."
Patient: "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live."
Patient: "24 Hours! Thats terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?"
Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

The angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."

First guy proudly: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"