Hope a joke about horses, not racehorses, is acceptable.

A travelling salesman was driving through the Irish countryside from one town to another when his car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. Being a travelling salesman, he knows nothing about cars, but opens the bonnet anyway to see if he can see anything obviously wrong.

Well, nothing stands out, but while he’s looking he hears this voice “Check the distributor leads”. He spins around, but all he can see is a grey horse looking over the fence. Thinking he must have mis-heard it, he turns his attention back to the car, and as he mumbles to himself, he once again hears a voice “Check the distributor leads”. Again he turns around and says “Who said that?”, to which the grey horse responds “I did”. He is gobsmacked and exclaims “A talking horse!!” and the horse says “Yeah, to be sure, but check the distributor leads”. The salesman checks the leads and, sure enough, one is loose and he puts it back in place and the car starts up again.

He can’t believe what has just happened, and he can’t wait to tell others about the talking horse, so he drives as fast as he can to the nearest town, where he parks the car and dives into the first pub he sees and orders a pint. When the barman delivers the beer, he tells his story. “You won’t believe what just happened…I’m driving down the highway, I break down, and this grey horse tells me how to fix the car….tells me, talks to me, tells me what to do. I can’t believe it”.

Well, the barman is quite casual, and asks “A grey horse, you say?”. The salesman says “Yes, it was”. The barman queries “About 10 miles down the road, was it, south of here?. The salesman answers “‘Yeah, yeah, that’s right!”.

The barman thinks for a moment, and says “You’re really lucky, then”.

The salesman asks “Why?”.

To which the barman replies, “Well, there’s usually a brown horse there, and he knows f**k all about cars.”

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Here for a good time, not a long time!

Well done team, lots of laughs here !

:smile: :smile: :grin: :grin: :wink:

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Ta me go maith

Must be Monday, the forum's fallen asleep!


What do you call a big Irish spider?

Paddy-long-legs.


A not so likeable jockey went into a saddler's shop and asked for one spur. "One spur?" asked the saddler. "Surely you mean a pair of spurs, sir?" "No, just one," replied the jockey. "If I can get one side of the horse to go, the other side is bound to follow!"


Knock! Knock!
Who's there?

An Irish burglar!


Paddy had had a bad day. Lost on the horses, no luck on the lottery, laid off from work, his lot was not a happy one.

Intent on drowning his sorrows he strode in to McNamara's pub and made his way to the bar.

In front of him, lying prostrate and obviously totally comatose lay hard drinking Mick O'Shanessy.


'What do you want?' asked Sean McNamara.
'I want to get like O'Shanessy as soon as possible,' said Paddy.


'Right,' said Sean. And smashed Paddy across the head with a baseball bat!!


Did you hear about the queer Irishman?

Prefers women to drinkin!!


:grin:

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Ta me go maith

Hi There Paddy,

here's another one for your collection...



Paddy and Mick went into a movie theater to see a horse race film. Paddy said to Mick, "I'll bet you $5 that No. 2 will win the race." Mick agreed to the bet, and wouldn't you know it, horse no. 2 won.

After the movie, Paddy said, "I have a confession to make I saw the movie yesterday."

Mick replied, "So did I, but I didn't think he would win twice in a row."

:lol:

Hope this one raises a smile somewhere!

One day, a religious group scattered around town to spread "the good word", to the people in the downtown area.

One man out of this group walked up to the local TAB filled with some 70 punters, opened the door and yelled "Pray For Forgiveness", and then shut the door and began walking down the street.

Paddy, who had a bad day with the early races, rushed out the door, ran after the man, and when he caught him, asked in a gasping breath - "What Race?"

Go Team!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Ta me go maith

The stable boss went out to do her morning rounds and found a horse laying very still in its box stall.

Fearing the worst, she immediately called the vet. The vet felt for a pulse. Sadly, he shook his head and informed the stable boss that the horse was dead.

The stable boss could not believe this and told the vet that she wanted a second opinion.

The vet shrugged, went back to his car, and soon returned with a cat. The cat hissed at the horse and clawed at its legs, with no response.

Still not satisfied, the stable boss said she wanted a third opinion.

Impatiently, the vet went and got his Labrador retriever and let it loose around the horse. The dog barked and jumped around, to which there was absolutely no response.

Finally, the stable boss had to admit that indeed the horse was dead, so the vet presented her with a bill for $1200.

The stable boss went wild. "You were only here for 15 minutes! Are you crazy?!" she shrieked.


"Look," the vet replied, "My time is only worth $100, but the CAT scan and the LAB report each cost $550.00!"

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Ta me go maith

Hey Paddy, hear you have gone OS for your spell. A mate of mine said he saw you at Doncaster last week - he related the story like this:

Paddy was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam between races at Doncaster when an Englishman, eating chewing gum, sat down next to him.

Paddy politely ignored the Englishman, who nevertheless, started up a conversation.

The Englishman snapped his gum and said, "Do you Irish people eat the whole bread?"

Paddy frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his snack, and replied, "Of course." The Englishman blew a huge bubble.

"We don't. In England, we only eat what's inside. We collect the crusts in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Ireland."

The Englishman had a smirk on his face.

Paddy listened in silence. The English man persisted. "Do you eat jam with the bread?"

Sighing, Paddy replied, "Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Englishman said, "We don't. In England, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Ireland."



With a glint in his eye, Paddy then asked the Englishman, "Do you have sex in England?"

The Englishman smiled and said, "Why of course we do."


Paddy leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away, of course."



Paddy just smiled for a while and then said -

"We don't. In Ireland, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to England." !!!!

"Think you call it Wrigley's, don't know why", Paddy adds with a smile and a wink!



Hope you’re having fun on your spell Paddy, as you can see the jokes are not the same without you!

Paddy the punter made a killing at the bookies and his friends wanted to know the secret of his success.

"I'm superstitious, and I watch for omens" said Paddy.

"To get to the races I took the number 5 bus. It made 5 stops on the way & when I arrived I gave $5 (the smallest note I had) to the salvos" continued Paddy.

"It was three fives telling me something!" added Paddy

"So I added them up....three fives are 16....backed number 16 in the first race, and of course it won by a street at 25/1!"

"Uncanny!!" concluded Paddy!!!!

If you are out there Paddy, some of us are missing your humorous postings, and I don't mean your Penultimate Plunges either.

A racehorse walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down at one of the tables, and starts reading the form guide. The bartender is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the beer, and brings it over to the horse, who produces a ten dollar note.

Now the barman figures the horse can't be all that bright, so he decides to pull the old 'short-change' trick on him. He duly goes back to the horse with 1 dollar. The horse doesn't say a word.

The horse eventually finishes his beer and goes up to the bar to order another. The bartender says to him, "You know, we don't get many horses in here."


To which the horse replies, "At nine dollars a beer, I'm not surprised!"